The Military-Civilian Divide

GREAT article and sums up exactly how I (and all) military wives feel! We have great support, but no one really know what it means or how it truly feels. Heather Sweeney summed it up just perfectly!

As long as I’ve been a military spouse, I’ve always lived in a military town, surrounded by military families. Typical discussions with friends revolve around the trials and tribulations of deployments, packing and moving, and our husbands’ unpredictable work schedules. I’m blanketed with empathy, and I never have to articulate my feelings because those in the military community understand.
It never occurred to me that my lifestyle was a foreign concept to civilians until a conversation I shared with a nonmilitary friend during my husband’s second combat deployment. After asking the usual questions about how he was doing and how long he’d been gone, she startled me with this one: “So how long after he returns home can he get out?”
“Get out of the military?” I asked, somewhat confused.
“Of course,” she continued, somewhat confused herself. “Doesn’t he want a normal job? Don’t you want him to have a normal job?”
I offered a feeble attempt at explaining that my husband had no intention of leaving the military anytime in the near future and that I wholeheartedly supported his career despite the hardships. But as her eyes glazed over and her attention waned, I felt my words were falling on deaf ears. That’s when I realized how wide the chasm was between civilian and military communities. If a close friend, someone who has an emotional connection to a service member, isn’t able to comprehend our lifestyle, then how can I expect the general public to understand?
I’m certainly not the only military spouse who senses that disconnect. According to a 2010 survey conducted by Blue Star Families, a nonprofit organization supporting military families, 92 percent of military family respondents felt that the general public did not truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices made by service members and their families. The psyche of the military family probably isn’t a blip on most people’s radars. And I’ve learned to accept that without considering whether there is a way to bridge the gap instead of ignoring it.
After that conversation with my friend, I became more guarded about my military lifestyle, sharing as little information with civilians as possible. I know that the second I reveal to the nice mom sitting next to me at the playground that my husband is deployed, I’ll be barraged with a series of frustrating questions, and my answers will do nothing but open the door to more frustrating questions. “No, I don’t know exactly where my husband is” leads to “Yes, it bothers me that I don’t know when I’ll hear from him again,” which of course paves the way for “I don’t know how I do it all either, but I don’t have any other option.” When the discussion inevitably shifts gears with the introduction of a political debate about the war, I politely excuse myself and blame my children for a bathroom break.
Military life, with all of its inherent complications, isn’t easy to comprehend, but sadly, I’m not certain the general public wants to understand it. I’ve seen the apathy in the eyes of women who brush me off with a quick, “I could never live like that” before changing the subject. And I’ve read the not-so-subtle cynicism in the comments of blog readers who wish we would all stop complaining because, in their eyes, we knew what we were getting into when we married a service member during wartime.
Most of the questions and comments directed at me have been harmless and well intended, but some of my friends have been on the receiving end of much more insensitive interactions with civilians. They have dodged questions like: How do you feel knowing your husband may have to kill someone? What would you do if your husband was killed? How can you support the war? How can you have children when you know what kind of life they’ll be forced to live? Don’t all military spouses cheat on their husbands while they’re deployed? It’s a shame to think that these questions may be a reflection of how the public perceives military spouses, and that perception does nothing but widen the gap.
On the other hand, I have encountered people who do show interest in learning more about military families, and I don’t mind answering questions that are based on genuine curiosity. I do mind questions that either force me to state the obvious or put me on the defensive. “How long will your husband be deployed?” is perfectly acceptable and expected. However, “Don’t you hate it that your children are without a father for that long?” isn’t the best question to ask. Of course I hate it (stating the obvious), but even after admitting that, I feel obliged to offer an explanation as to why I’ve allowed my husband to shirk his parenting duties (now I’m defensive).
I realize that it may be awkward interacting with a military spouse who is coping with a deployment because the right words don’t seem to exist. But I can let you in on a little secret. The two best questions I’ve ever been asked were “What does your husband need and where do I send it?” and “Do you need a free baby sitter?” Questions like these may not prompt insightful portrayals of our lives, but they open the door to future discussions as well as convey a desire to help.
In a way, I can’t blame civilians for their lack of awareness. After all, before my husband joined the military I had no idea what it meant to be a military spouse. I had no clue about the sacrifices we would both be making in the name of patriotism, nor did I anticipate the challenges of the lifestyle I had unwittingly agreed to when my husband raised his right hand and took that oath. Everything I know about military life is through personal experience and the adventures I’ve lived vicariously through other military spouses. But for people who can’t experience the lifestyle themselves or through a friend or family member, it’s easy to overlook the military population.
I often think back to that conversation with my friend and wish I had made more of an effort to talk about my life instead of dismissing her as uninterested. I wish I had explained what I was going through at the time and asked her for the support I was silently seeking. She might not have been able to empathize, but she might have been a shoulder for me to lean on. Maybe one day we can pick up where we left off and find a way to meet somewhere in the middle of that great divide.
Heather Sweeney is married to an active-duty service member and lives in Virginia. She is a mother of two, a teacher and a freelance writer.

5 Years Ago

5 years ago today, Bradley stood up in T-Court of the United States Naval Academy and took his Oath of Office to join the United States Navy. I was so hurt that I wasn't invited to go, so my parents decided to plan our vacation during then to take my mind off things. He called me right before the ceremony, and I tried so hard to be positive and optimistic- but I just lost it when we hung up. It wasn't the fact that he was joining the Navy, or leaving for college for 4 years and 700 miles away...but that one sentence was about to change our lives forever. It still gives me chills...

"Having been appointed a Midshipman in the United States Navy, I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter, so help me God."


Babe, I am SO proud of you and the sacrifice that you make every.single.day to protect this country and me. You work so hard, and I can't imagine not being here with you now. Five years ago was scary for me, only being a sophomore in highschool, but I gave my heart to you and promised that wherever you went and whatever you had to do, I was there...right beside you. These five years have flown by, and so much has happened! I truly can't wait to see what we're doing and where we are in five more years! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I was 100% put on this earth to be a Navy Wife...YOUR Navy Wife! Love you so so much!!

One year Anniversary!

I can't believe we already celebrated our one year anniversary! This has been an amazing first year, and it has flown by! I can't imagine having anyone else by my side for the rest of my life. I've blogged about it before but I am slightly obsessed in love with my husband. Our love runs so deep, I just can't imagine that there is any way possible for me to love him any more than I already do- but somehow every day that passes, I somehow do. He is so intelligent, caring, loving, supportive and passionate person I have ever met.

Our wedding was amazing. I can't imagine changing anything or anyway it could have been better. It had 'us' written alllll over it! I'm feeling nostalgic....shall we....

June 5th is my most favorite day! We won't reminisce on the honeymoon...ahem...I'll save you those details! Although, that was my favorite part! ;-)

Anyways, so onto the actual anniversary seeing as that is what this whole thing is supposed to be about! The actual anniversary was on Sunday but we celebrated Saturday. We went to this aaaaa-mazing restaurant in P-cola beach! I can't wait to go back there! It was yummy! We just ate, came back and watched our wedding video, then on Sunday, Bradley made breakfast, had leftovers for dinner and ate our cake! Romantic?! Haha! So typical of us home bodies! We knew the cake topper wouldn't make it through 2 moves, so we just went ahead and decided to serve it at our wedding. My parents surprised us, though, and had a fresh one made and brought it to us when they visited 2 weeks ago! I love my parents! It was sooo good, too! We ate the whole thing.

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us! We are already staring another move right in the face...can't wait to see where we go! I hope we have 100 more years together, just like this perfect first one!

Our 'Staycation'!

Best. invention. EVER!

We were talking about what our vacation plans were going to  be this year. Yeah, so we're broke. But that's okay, because we live in the most beautiful vacation spot in the world, Perdido Key, Florida! I've heard people say it before, that once you live at the beach, you're too busy to enjoy it anymore. Yup, that's us. So in our effort to save money for more important things , we decided on a 'staycation'! There is so much here that we've been wanting to do but just haven't had the time yet! Bradley just finished up Intermediate, and before he started Advanced, he took a whole week off! Do you realize how rare this is?

We started our week off by resting and cleaning. I know, you're probably thinking, 'how boring'! But in order to relax, you have to rest first! So we did, stayed in the bed until 2:15 that day! It was niiiice!

We've been wanting to climb the Pensacola lighthouse here on base since we moved here. Yeah...been there, done that, and I definitely don't want to do that again! They say it's haunted...we didn't see any ghosts, but it was scary! We made it to the top, got the pictures to prove it, but you won't catch these two scaredy cats there again!

View from the top

View of base

Coming back down...slowly!! The steps are so tiny!!

Aaaaand we made it! Whew!

Of course we had a beach day thrown in there which I did not take pictures of! We were borrowing a camera so we were constantly paranoid of messing it up so we didn't even take it out of the bag!

My favorite place in the whole.wide.world just happens to be about 1.5 hours away from us, so we headed to Destin one night just for dinner and to shop in my favorite little shopping center!! We had a blast and of course, Bradley's favorite part was the crab legs!

Nom, nom, nommmm!!

My cousin came into town to visit her boyfriend who was just stationed here. I haven't seen her in forever so it was really nice to hang out! Aaaand she got engaged while she was here! We got to listen into the whole thing- by accident of course. We were butt dialed! It was the best a butt dial could possibly be though! We had dinner with them the next night to celebrate!

The newly engaged!

And the old married couple ;-)

When it rains, it pours

I am officially a military wife. Yes, I have been one for a year now (well, two weeks shy of a year!), but I wasn't officially one. It isn't until your husband is deployed/TADing/away, etc. and the WORLD falls apart without him there..THEN it's official.

Yup, pretty much sums up last week for me! Bradley went to California for a few days for some training, and the craziest, most unexpected, oddest things started happening. There's not much he can do to help, so you've got to go into super woman mode and figure it out yourself! After the first incident, I was frustrated, but after the second and third, I just started laughing.

I was sooo ready for him to get back home. Of course, most of the issues had been fixed/subsided once he got home but I missed him so much!! When I was sitting at the airport waiting on him, I had this huge wave of accomplishment come over me. I had done it. It wasn't easy, it was beyond terrible, but I made it. And trust me, I got rewarded for it! :-) (Did I just say that? Yep! It's my blog, I can say what I want!)

We really are pathetic, though. Four days apart and it feels like 4 years.  We've been attached at the hip since he got back, but neither of us are complaining! I am so blessed to be in a marriage where God is always first, my husband loves me as much as I love him (even though we argue about this at least a couple hours everyday..but just for the record, I love him more!), we are each others bestfriends, we're soulmates and we are forever...no questions!

We are NOT looking forward to the next time he leaves (who does?!) but it has to be done. At least next time he goes away, it really can't be too much worse than it was this time. Lord help me if it is!!

All you need is love!

I love my husband. No, I really love my husband. More than I could ever write to express it to you. I told him the other night that I feel like I could run my legs off, screaming it at the top of my lungs and yell it off a mountain and it still wouldn't truly express how much!! Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't even care. And the great thing is, I get it all in return! It's not just one sided here people!

We were laying on our bed the other night and I asked him what his all time favorite memory of us was. His was the first time he saw me after Plebe Summer (boot camp). I had flown up for Labor Day, in the middle of a hurricane (I'm not kidding!), and the weather was horrible- rain, extreme wind, flooding. He had escaped the academy managed to get free that night and meet me at the baseball field. All I remember is pulling up, seeing him standing inside the lobby, me jumping out of the car before my mom had stopped and walking as fast as I could to get in there. It was weird, like some out of body experience. I was in such a rush to get in there but the moment I stepped foot inside, I just froze...starring at him. He was so handsome in his uniform. He had left me at the end of June a boy, and stood before me then (2 months later) as a man. I think I was just in awe of him. The moment I laid eyes on him, my world was complete again, and he felt the same way. We both knew in that one instant, that if we would get through that, which we did, there wasn't anything that was going to come against us. I can understand why that is his favorite moment, because it was pretty magical!

My favorite moment was the first time I laid eyes on him. We had met on Myspace (don't judge!) and it was a blind date. We were meeting at the movies, and I remember sitting in my car so anxious I thought I was going to explode. I saw this terribly ugly truck pull up and I remember telling myself, "Oh dear Lord, PLEASE don't let that be him." Well, it was. Luckily the truck wasn't anything like him. :-) I was sitting in my car, my cell rang- it was him saying "I'm here." I hung up, watched him get out and my heart just sank. I somehow knew in that one instant that 'this was it!' I couldn't take my eyes off him. He walked towards me, said 'hi' and the rest is history. I always thought I was crazy thinking that I just 'knew' so quickly. But he felt the same thing. We both knew right then that we would never have a first date ever, ever again. I never thought in a million years that I would have found 'the one' as a junior in high school, but I guess you just never know what the big man upstairs is planning!

Five and a half years later, and 10 months of marriage and we're still as strong as we were at our best moments together. We have the absolute best marriage. We laugh 24/7, are constantly picking at each other, we probably say 'I love you' a thousand times a day, but the best part is knowing that I never have to worry about anything. He's always going to be there, and I am always going to be there for him. We're best friends.

I am just so proud of my husband. Not just for what he has become but for who he is. He is an amazing Christian man, an incredibly loving husband, he's devoted, he's funny, and he's very humble. I just can't even think of enough adjectives to describe him! I'm just unbelievably, undeniably, utterly BLESSED beyond measure.  

On A Whimmmmmm!

Imagine this...typical thursday night, cooking dinner, waiting on American Idol to come on....same ol' same ol'. Bradley looks at his schedule for this weekend...NOTHING. No watch, duty, flights...nodda. Very weird seeing as how I feel like I rarely see him half the time. I was ecstatic! Three whole days with no "Navy"! We are some pretty serious homebodies and are perfectly content sitting on the couch all weekend and doing laundry. Haha. BUT, we decided to eat supper, pack and head to New Orleans for the weekend. I got on Priceline, put in a 'name your own price' 4-star hotel for $90 and I got it! I've never been so I was really excited. We left Friday morning and got there around 1. It's only a little over 3 hours from here so it wasn't bad. Checked into our hotel and off we went to see the sights. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed. It was very dirty, smelled something terrible, had really weird people and boobies everywhere, and PIEGONS! Holy cow..they were everywhere. New Orleans is one of those places you need to visit if you've never been, but it wasn't as nice as I expected. I guess I got spoiled with Bradley being in Annapolis, MD for 4 years then us living there because I was expecting something a little more like that. But regardless. Friday we did all of Bourbon Street, Cafe Du Monde (Beignets are amazing!), the Cathedral and river walk area, the outdoor open market, ate at an awesome cajun resturant, headed down Canal Street then back to our hotel because all the creepies started to come out by then. We crashed pretty early that night.

Saturday we had made reservations for the famous brunch at The Court of Two Sisters...A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Probably both of our favorite part of the weekend. We were stuffed so we walked a little of it off then headed to Harrah's Casino! We have never gambled before, but what the heck?! We decided we weren't going to spend over $20 in there (I know, disgraceful to those who gamble). We didn't win anything but it was definitely an experience I will never forget! We really couldn't find anything else we wanted to do there so we decided to come back home early. (I told you, we're homebodies!)

All in all, it was a great trip and a much needed getaway. The Navy has Bradley gone the majority of the time, and if he is here, he's studying. So it was a nice break! And as always, more pictures are on Facebook!